Not the concept of love--that I like--but the word love, used too loosely.
Autism means dozens upon dozens of people moving in and out of your children's lives. OT, SLP, PT, hab . . . these service providers waltz in and out, an never-ending revolving door of service. They move away, they take new jobs, they go to graduate school. In and out, in and out. Longfellow's tide rising and falling for an eternity.
What bothers me, though, is when these service providers claim to love my children.
Of all the people who have made their way in and out, there are only two who I can say really loved my children (John and Allie). My kids weren't just a job to them; my kids were in their hearts. They didn't just disappear when the job was done; they still keep up to date on them. Allie comes by during her breaks from med school, armed with presents for the boys and immense love.
But the rest, they aren't the type to keep in touch when the job is over. They move on, and the kids are just a distant memory to them.
Which is okay. I mean, they are professionals and many of them maintain a professional distance, which actually makes some of them better at their jobs.
The people who bug me, though, are the ones who claim to love my children, when they really don't.
"I love your kids so much." "The boys are like family to me." "I love your kids with all my heart."
Which is, well, bullshit.
Love is an ever-fixed mark, Shakespeare tells us. It doesn't quit when you get called out on falsifying data, it doesn't quit when something gets annoying. Love is staying up 'til 3AM when a child can't stop stimming. Love is taking scratches and bites and bruises from a child with autism and returning those with a hug. Love perseveres through the ugliness and difficulties. Love doesn't quit when things get uncomfortable.
I'm okay with people not loving my children, though I think they deserve love. What I'm not okay with is people saying they love them when they don't. I'm not okay with people telling my children they love them when they don't. Because, well, my kids will believe it. Their autism doesn't let them see through lies; they take what they hear as truth.
You know, only to get their hearts broken when the person bails.
They deserve better than having adults who should know better break their hearts.
So don't use the word love if you don't really mean it. Certainly not with my children.
